I've got to start thinking.

How exactly do I feel about being half-Chinese, I've asked so many people now and have had so many different answers to think about, I'm not sure where I should start. I feel completely different to how I did when I started the project.

© Ruth Johnston 2010

I guess you could say I'm happy to be half-Chinese and to have something different about me, but I remember being very unhappy about it too. It can get annoying when people ask, "where are you from?", when I already know that what they really mean is, "where are your parents from?". When I say that my mum is Chinese, which is all they really want to know, I am then asked whether I can speak it, when I say, "No, but I can understand quite a lot", I'm met with a disappointed "oh", as though I'm the only person in the world who never learnt Chinese! I have been picked on, and even singled out by people in the street because of the way I look, but there's nothing I can do about it, and considering it's been this way since I can remember, all I can do is be used to it. I began this project as a way to find common ground and meet other half-Chinese people. I wanted to see if there were others who felt like me, although there have been some differing opinions, I think there is an amount of pride over our moderate exoticism.

I am happy to have never had a problem fitting in with my family like some of my other subjects, although I am closer to my Irish/English side, I think this is due to seeing them more often from a young age rather than exclusion from my Chinese side. It can get frustrating when attending Chinese family functions where my English-speaking cousins speak Chinese to each other and that aspect does feel like I'm being excluded, but maybe I should make more effort to talk to them generally anyway. Before moving away to University I always assumed my mum was strict with me due to her 'traditional values' but have since discovered that nearly all mothers are like her in the sense of nagging and worrying, and we're much closer now, even if the language barrier can get in the way of our relationship sometimes - we have had huge fights based on lack of understanding.

Due to the fact that this is how I am and how I will always be, it is quite clear that there are going to be mild irritations as there would be if I were a 'single-raced' or other 'mixed race' person. Although there are certain things that happen because I am half-Chinese, I now know to use them to learn rather than become resentful. I am definitely more comfortable with talking about it now than I was when I was younger and had less of an understanding.