STRESS.

I don't even know if it's regular stress, the fact I'm actually doing something, if I'm exciting about Christmas or if there genuinely aren't enough hours in the day.
My diary for this week is very full, and I'm overwhelmed by the fact that it's past 11 o'clock already.

I had to pay £36 for my final prints today, I printed 18 images but only 11 were finals, the rest were mistakes, it's so mean that I can't get let off, especially when at least two of the prints were the wrong colour down to the printer not my bad Photoshopping. So, so unfair.

I think I'm just tired and it will probably look better tomorrow, but I'm feeling so stressed out about the fact that there are only two and a bit weeks left of term, and this is despite the fact that I'm actually on the cusp of finishing. I just don't know about research and I'm over-worried about my dissertation. At least this stressed bout is bringing on some 'get up and go'. This doesn't even make any sense and I need to go to bed now anyway.

I've got to start thinking.

How exactly do I feel about being half-Chinese, I've asked so many people now and have had so many different answers to think about, I'm not sure where I should start. I feel completely different to how I did when I started the project.

© Ruth Johnston 2010

I guess you could say I'm happy to be half-Chinese and to have something different about me, but I remember being very unhappy about it too. It can get annoying when people ask, "where are you from?", when I already know that what they really mean is, "where are your parents from?". When I say that my mum is Chinese, which is all they really want to know, I am then asked whether I can speak it, when I say, "No, but I can understand quite a lot", I'm met with a disappointed "oh", as though I'm the only person in the world who never learnt Chinese! I have been picked on, and even singled out by people in the street because of the way I look, but there's nothing I can do about it, and considering it's been this way since I can remember, all I can do is be used to it. I began this project as a way to find common ground and meet other half-Chinese people. I wanted to see if there were others who felt like me, although there have been some differing opinions, I think there is an amount of pride over our moderate exoticism.

I am happy to have never had a problem fitting in with my family like some of my other subjects, although I am closer to my Irish/English side, I think this is due to seeing them more often from a young age rather than exclusion from my Chinese side. It can get frustrating when attending Chinese family functions where my English-speaking cousins speak Chinese to each other and that aspect does feel like I'm being excluded, but maybe I should make more effort to talk to them generally anyway. Before moving away to University I always assumed my mum was strict with me due to her 'traditional values' but have since discovered that nearly all mothers are like her in the sense of nagging and worrying, and we're much closer now, even if the language barrier can get in the way of our relationship sometimes - we have had huge fights based on lack of understanding.

Due to the fact that this is how I am and how I will always be, it is quite clear that there are going to be mild irritations as there would be if I were a 'single-raced' or other 'mixed race' person. Although there are certain things that happen because I am half-Chinese, I now know to use them to learn rather than become resentful. I am definitely more comfortable with talking about it now than I was when I was younger and had less of an understanding.

Jocelyn Allen.

Oh, hi another photographer who I'm really jealous of and want to be. Please do even more simple yet brilliant work to make me feel even worse about myself.
Seriously though, this girl is great. I hope I'm in her position this time next year. I like her Body Image series, it's much less obvious than similar projects I've seen.

© Jocelyn Allen.
Tumblr.
Wordpress.
via theprintspace Blog.

I've spent nearly all afternoon doing dissertation corrections — at least it's done now and good enough to hand in even if I don't add any more to it. I think if I distance myself from it a bit, I could write something really great.
I'm doing my 'Where are your parents from?' portrait tonight, I don't think it will be as good/the same as the others. I might get Moon to take some after I've tried out the new tripod I bought (specifically for these few photos).

Eek.

My to-do list for tomorrow and the day after go something like this:
- ASK appointment.
- Shower, lunch, laundry.
- Correct errors in dissertation.
- My half-Chinese studio portrait.
- My written statement
- Next analysis in my dissertation
- Half-Chinese project text panels; save as .psd w/ many different typefaces

Might be a long week.
Might have another portrait for the Half-Chinese project lined up for Saturday, not sure I really want to do it any more as my cousin is probably going to help me out when I'm home over Christmas so I'll be stuck with a symbolically unlucky number of people, which I don't want.
I wish it would snow, then I could hide.

Well done.

So, it snowed for about 15 minutes about 10 minutes ago, I feel more cheated than I did this morning.

© Ruth Johnston 2010.

If I were living in Nottingham, I would have like 4ft of snow, or something to play in...

Colour Photos.

So, I think I'm going to start taking my film camera out a bit more now, especially since it's all modern and you can get the photos on a CD too so it's like the best of both worlds, yeah?!
I took a few in Paris, but there were some that were on this film that I found from ages ago that I really liked too.

Paris!

© Ruth Johnston 2010.

I've spent most of today making lists of what I should be doing, I also did some Christmas shopping and had a pub lunch. I think with a full day cooped up inside tomorrow, I should get everything that needs to be done out of the way.
I looked through my dissertation draft and most of the corrections are to do with grammar and phrasing but I didn't read through it as much as I should have anyway.
I have a had a bit more interest regarding the half-Chinese project, I'm waiting to hear back if he'd be willing to be another subject but it's so strange how just as I'm thinking of winding up and considering how hard I tried to find those I have now, someone else comes along. We'll see how it goes...

:)

So, our boiler was broken until around lunchtime today, when I went to go see what Moon was up to when I got up, I was greeted by this.
It was mighty chilly.

'Your writing style is letting you down'

At least it's only a draft and not my actual dissertation, I'm still not taking it well though, I thought I was quite good at writing, even when I didn't study in the first year of my degree, I still would put the 2:2 I got down to how well I wrote rather than what I actually knew.
Oh well, that's why it's a draft and I guess I'll have to admit defeat and go and see the Academic Skills people after all. I'm not too bothered but it has aggravated me a bit.

So in other academic news, I've been playing around with presentation layouts for the Half-Chinese project. These are A4 Matt versions but I'm printing on A3 gloss on Tuesday. Not sure I'll be able to lay them out on my wall like this for practice though and will probably have to use the University. I think my printer is making everyone look a bit pinky-orange, but the printer I use on Tuesday will probably be a truer match. I'm not sure why I decided on gloss, I just think it looks better.


I was thinking a grid but then as I'm thinking of having text as well, it was pointed out to me in my tutorial that that could make it quite messy and less easy to read, so the line is probably the way I'm going to go. I'll probably get told something completely different in my tutorial next week though.
I've also gone about creating mock-up text panels for each of my subjects. The panels have quotes from either their written statements or what they told me whilst I was talking to them.



At least I can say that I'm almost wrapping this project up - I'm going to have to do so much dissertation over Christmas...

Still so much to do.

So, I've done the final edits on the half-Chinese images, still haven't taken a decent one of me yet but that's something I plan to get done over the weekend. The ones that are still looking a bit weird have been correcting and saved as .tifs, but I can't upload them.

© Ruth Johnston 2010.

I've been told I should probably think about whittling them down if I can't make up the 12, but I'm not really sure I want to, not just because everyone has had something different and interesting to say, but also because most of them took time to come and have their photo taken when they didn't have to.
As I'm not doing the London exhibition anymore - because it's far too expensive and little result - I'm not sure how I want the images to be laid out now. I kind of wish I could afford the London exhibition because some of the people in the project won't be able to make it down to see it in Portsmouth, but, I don't think galleries is ultimately where I want to take my photographic career...

Some Paris.

Bonjour.
Just before I start work, I've done some wittling, here are some of my favourite Paris photos. Lots more on Facebook.

© Ruth Johnston 2010.

I think I prefer London to Paris, the bonus of Paris being that it's near Disneyland, and I guess that is tragically Americanised and uncultured of me, but I felt much more relaxed there than amongst all the people trying to sell be mini Eiffel Towers - which I did buy by the way (they were only €1 for 5) on the first night just to feel like I'd staved them off. Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful and I'd rather be there than sitting here needing to do work, but certain aspects did ruin it a bit for me.
Now, editing. eugh.